Yesterday, at 4 am my mother was admitted to the hospital. She could no longer sleep in her bed. She could not lie down. She said she felt like she was suffocating. I have watched her get sicker and sicker in the two years I have now been home but, recently, I know she has really been struggling. the other night when I came home she had her bags packed because she felt she needed to go to the hospital, but when I got there she kept saying she didn’t know if she should go. She said she didn’t want to put the family through it. i had to tell her that f it was necessary that it had to be and it was ridiculous for her to worry about that. The cat would get fed and so would the bird and her husband would not starve. It was really hard for me to dial 911 because looking at her, I though I might lose her. it doesn’t matter how long you know. It doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself that it is going to happen. It will break your heart.
Today, when I visited her, i lay on the bed next to her and she brushed my hair and petted my head. When I am with her I hug her tightly and try to remember her smell, the feeling of her shape and her skin, the feeling of her hand holding my arm. I try to memorize her and all of the crazy funny things she says. The nurses already love her and call her my darling. One called her sassy. She says anything she wants and they just laugh. She told one that she had big arms and that no man would mess with her.
She is glad I made her go to the hospital. She has a smile in her eyes again which she hasn’t had in a long time. She feels safe and they have been giving her Lasix to get rid of all the fluid in her lungs and around her heart and in her swollen weeping legs. Since she can’t lie down they had gotten so big and red and swollen. They look much better now. She can sleep and has been nonstop sleeping for 2 days.
I love her. I love her so so so much. I will be very lonely without her when she goes. She is my all above all others. Without her I will be alone.