To Love………or Not

Choices, choices, choices, choices as we move through our lives. Never regret choices I always say to myself. Regret comes, regret goes, we experience it, no matter what we believe, no matter if we believe we should never regret, sometimes it catches us off guard. I see movies, I talk to friends, I watch other people’s lives, I hear stories.

We can’t live completely without regret, it seems. We have to make choices. Sometimes we want to choose both sides and we can’t, we are forced to pick a side and then we look back on what if and this becomes a regret that we live with and have to accept. We consider that the choice we made was the best for us and this choice will lay out some portion of the path that our lives will take.

All of our choices pave the road we walk. People will ask me why I am not married, why I do not have children. In many ways I have made this choice, but in some ways this choice has been made for me. I love children very much. I always considered that some day I might meet a man that I truly loved and I would have children with him if he wanted children. I didn’t actively seek it and it seemed that the men that I loved never found anything special enough in me to stick around. I wasted a lot of time trying to make them see me as special. I loved them, I tried to take care of them, I tried to treat them right. I hung on so tight that in the end my heart was wrenched right out of my chest and now their feelings have rubbed off on me in some ways.

When I look in the mirror, oftentimes, I see nothing that someone would love. I feel that I must be boring, or unattractive, or negative too much. These are residual insecurities that are a reflection of underlying doubts. As I recently told a friend, if you don’t love yourself, no one else will. So now I am in the downward spiral as far as finding love is concerned. I no longer believe that a loving man and a family are in my future. Do I regret this? Occasionally, yes. But, only occasionally. I see movies and of course the love that characters find is brilliant and astounding and tender. Their passion is overwhelming. They have fairytale weddings and smart beautiful caring children. I think that’s what I was waiting for and its possible that it’s not real. Maybe it does exist in those most precious and rare exceptions, those living jewels that emerge from time to time. But, for the most part many married people I know wish they weren’t married. They always say that if they weren’t, they wouldn’t do it again. They always say, “I love my kids, but….” This makes me not regret my decisions. This makes me glad for the choices I made.

There were men who wanted to marry me, but I did not feel for them then the love I felt I needed to feel to make it last a lifetime. I couldn’t settle for less. If I couldn’t have that passionate overwhelming love then why waste time? Any relationship takes time, and effort, and compromise. There is so little life, as it is, that we are given. As far as we know, there is only one life that we have to live. I would like to think there was more to follow but there is no way that I will ever know that possibility until I cross that doorway into oblivion. I must have passion in my life and I don’t mean the man woman passion only. What is life worth without passion? Nothing. Its a mediocre journey, a ride on the kiddie cars instead of the roller coaster. Life is a great banquet laid out before us. We can pick from the sweetest most divine ambrosia or the fast food.

My favorite question used to be “What is your passion?” I used to love to listen to people’s responses. People are the most alive and the most beautiful when they talk about their passions. Passion is life, all else is settling for second best. All other choices breed regret and more regret than you face if you choose for passion instead of making do with what you are given or what is expected by your family or your friends or society.

Society is the worst for placing limitations and timelines. People compare themselves to others, as if this is the divining rod to their own path. What is expected of us, the road to our “success”, the idea we should have a family and kids, that we have a need to procreate, to have someone, to be part of a couple, to get a good job and work hard and make money, to get a house, to have possessions, to make a name for ourselves, to make an impression.

When you live against this, people begin to question your honesty, your character, your motives, your intelligence, your sexuality, your trustworthiness. People are often suspicious of those who fight against the norms. In the end, it becomes like a giant trap, a whirlpool, a missed bus that we feel we need to run to catch. We start second guessing ourselves. We wonder if something is wrong with us because we want to live our life for ourselves rather than for an idea of a dream, an illusion, that we once had.Then I open my eyes.

I begin to see clearly. The choices I made were the best for me. My life lays before me full of possibility. I do not have to compromise. I look back and think, if I could change anything, what would I change? There is nothing that I have chosen that I would want to give up. Bad relationships gave me strength. I’ve seen so much of the world by setting no limitations of preconceived notions for my life, what I should do and who I should be. I have experienced many wonderful and startlingly beautiful things that few can say they have seen. I have met so many amazing wonderful people that humanity has become my immediate family. I have had many fathers and brothers and sisters and children and loves, not the sexual ones, but the real ones.

Don’t get me wrong. Have I been lonely? Many times. Have I been deceived and tricked and hurt? Definitely. But there is no great without terrible. They must exist together. I would not know how beautiful life can be without the tragedy. So many rebirths from tragedies wrought. I am molded by life like clay within infinite hands. With each experience that kneads my existence I become more myself. I love myself more. My vision becomes more clear. My path in its realm of infinite possibility and cloudiness  becomes diamond, beautiful and crystalline and beckoning. It calls to me and in the distance I see the path to infinite beauty.


This entry was published on August 5, 2013 at 4:53 pm. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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